A LOBSTER KIND OF LOVE

Some say you only have one soulmate in life, some say you have many. Some say they don't exist at all and are merely a fictional plot written into stories, while others say they exist but not all of us have the luck or chance to ever find them in the timeframe we are given.

They say when you meet your soulmate it's as though everything comes together. Imagine the stars aligning, both soul and mind combining, feeling an outward sense of calmness, and an inward sense of excitement and a feeling much like a bottle of champagne were being opened inside your stomach. It's more than just an intense physical attraction, it's not lust, it's not sexual desire it's... I'm not sure how to explain this one, so I guess I would say it's totally indescribable. While the idea of soulmates is one that is frequently disputed, love as a topic is not. It's said that with soulmates you are instantly attracted to each other because of a feeling or sign from within, as opposed to it simply being a physical attraction. Whilst I believe this is true, and most teenage girls fantasise about it, I believe you can find someone to love and be with for the rest of your life without them being your soulmate.

Soulmates come in so many different forms. Whether it's a friend who you meet and think 'that's my person', or a romance that feels different to any other. Although I'm a hopeless romantic as you all know, I'm still not sure what I feel about the facts around Soulmates. I guess that's the thing, love isn't factual it's an emotion. Don't get me wrong, I am in love with the idea, I believe completely that they exist and each person has one, but what I'm unsure about is whether one person's soulmate is always the others. I think it's possible to have met someone who you believe to be your soulmate but for whatever reason, whether it's timing, circumstances or history, sometimes it's not always reciprocated. I guess most people would think this means you clearly aren't made for each other but I disagree. Timing is everything.

Love is something that cannot be defined as one emotion, but that means something different to every person. Whilst some feel they need love to complete them and make them whole, others think love should be a want not a need. Someone who is there to stand by your side, support and lift you but not depend on you. In all honesty, I'm a bit of an amateur if you hadn't gathered given my previous blogs on my love-life disasters. I'm still wading through the endless frogs, sometimes mistaking them for love when in fact it is only lust. I'm yet to be paired with my perfect love, but that is not to say I don't already know who he is.

Sadly I don't think this week's post is going to feature an in-depth story or exposé from me. I think it may be mildly too obvious if said man is reading this... although if he doesn't know by now he's either had his eyes shut for the last few years, pretty bloody stupid, or in denial. My friends reading this on the other hand have already been bored to tears by my stories and moans about said 'love of my life'... so I'll save them the repetition.

I know it's not real life but take Ross and Rachel in 'Friends'. From the minute they met they were drawn to one another. Although it took many years, and ten brilliant seasons to finally get their happily ever after and end up together, it was clear to both them and the audience they were meant to be all along, and as Phoebe says, 'See, he's her Lobster!'. I know you're all probably thinking, 'Christ, she has totally lost it', and yes I may be mildly doolally but I can't help being the way I am. I like to think everyone has a Lobster of their own to find. If you're wondering what on earth Lobster's have to do with love, they are in fact the most superior living creature when it comes to romance, they fall in love under the sea, and mate for life.

As humans we are actually pretty appalling at following in the wise red sea creatures footsteps... or should I say claw-steps?! It's not in our natural instinct to have monogamous relationships. Yes of course some marriages and relationships have lasted a lifetime, particularly our grandparent's and great-grandparent's generations, but as we all know this may not have been because they were tied together emotionally, it's simply because they were effectively tied together in a signed contract. The none romantic or misogamist individuals would refer to it as simply a formal contract and as some bachelors may say, signing your life away. Of course this is not true for all relationships, and referring to it as a contractual agreement takes away any romance there may have been. There are some beautiful relationships that still exist, occasionally seeing old couples still hopelessly devoted to one another, holding hands as they walk to the supermarket or through the park after fifty years together, or growing up around my parents who are still besotted by each other. It's all I can ever aspire to have for my romantic future, but it's not necessarily definitive, given the ever changing patterns of relationships and marriage.

If monogamy is not in our natural human instinct, then why does modern society promote and insist on it? Additionally, not that I condone cheating at all, but how can you expect a man or woman to be solely faithful to one individual if such is true. Don't get me wrong there are hundreds of men and women out there who, when settled in a loving relationship see no other alternative but to be with each other completely and solely. Quite frankly, that's the only relationship I'm ever interested in being part of, but there is definitely a huge percentage of the population incapable of such behaviour. I'm a traditionalist, I want old fashioned romance and a long lasting marriage, but I can see now more than ever why so many people end up divorced, and I don't blame or judge them. There is still some stigma attached to divorce, this is course has lessened with time, but even being the romantic I am I can't help but think, why stay together for the entirety of your life being unhappy and prevent yourself from potentially finding love all over again?

I think when you find that someone who you believe to be your soulmate, they become the base for every relationship you have from then on. Of course if you're lucky enough to meet your soulmate and live happily ever after then I solute you, and am hugely jealous, but it's not always that simple. I have found that although I am not currently with the man I deem to be my soulmate, and the man I will inevitably end up with (a girl can dream), I relate every single past and present relationship or fling back to him. I compare them, I think of flaws these other men have which he doesn't, and ultimately it quite often seems to be what makes me end the relationships I'm in. Why do I want to be in a relationship with someone, when it's not the someone I want to be with? It sounds utterly ridiculous I know, but a lot of it seems to come from my subconscious mind. I frequently date 'look-a-likes' without initially realising and putting it down to the fact I clearly have a type, when in fact I am trying to fill a space with someone similar if being with him isn't an option.

You probably think this sounds completely bonkers... yes kind of. I hear you say, 'why can't you just get over him and move on, it's never going to happen' and I agree to an extent. I would love nothing more than to move on from this irritating man who occupies my thoughts morning, noon and night. Who makes me dream of a life and a love that I know could be possible, only to feel let down when I come crashing back to earth and reality. It's not easy feeling this way about someone and knowing the likelihood of it coming to fruition is pretty low, but there's a part of me permanently holding on in the hope of a future with him. If I didn't think there was a part of him, no matter how small that knew it too, I would have given up and moved on a long time ago, or at least tried...

There are a lot of friends in my life who have guided me through the years of unrequited love with this man. Some advice I've been hugely grateful for, and some not so much... Some people think love is only 'meant to be' if it's easy. I am not some people. I don't think every long lasting relationship just happens without any kind of bump along the way. Think of relationships where two people are best friends for twenty years only to fall in love later in life - they may be soulmates, but it didn't happen from the get go. This is why I like to hold out on my imaginary love story and why I put so much emphasis on timing being everything. The way I see it, if you meet and you're on different paths at the time, it's not meant to be, but that's not to say you won't meet again at a different time in your life when everything that initially got in the way no longer exists.

I know I've found my Lobster, I guess I'm just hoping he will one day realise I am his. I'm not sure what the future holds, but for the time being I'm happy by myself. I don't need love right now, I want it, but only when it's right. So whenever someone special comes into my life next, it will be wonderful and bring me happiness, but not be the sole reason for my existence.

It's taken me about four years to realise this and sadly that ridiculous cliché, 'You have to love yourself, before you love someone else' could not be more true. I appreciate I am being outrageously soppy and generic - possibly more so than ever, but it's something given the current circumstances I have had more time to reflect on. You may think I'm wishy-washy and my opinions are wrong and that's ok! As I said at the beginning, love is something that cannot be defined as one emotion, but that means something different to every person. The unknown is scary, nothing is set in stone and we have no idea who we will end up with or if we ever will, but I guess that's what makes growing up exciting! We shall see...

Lots of Love x