ANXIETY & THE LONDON MARATHON 2019

Oh dear god... what have I got myself into! I am three years into my new fitness life, which I guess you could say means, it is no longer new! I have by no means mastered everything when it comes to weight lifting yet, but with a PB Deadlift of 112.5 kg, an 90 kg Squat and a 55 kg Bench Press, I wanted another challenge which meant more than just picking up heavy objects!

I have always relatively enjoyed running, but growing up I made a point to refuse ever to do it - definitely as a way to piss my mother off who I suppose wanted me to pursue her running passion, rather than my weight lifting one. The only way I would ever run was on a treadmill, usually in the form of interval sprints and definitely not outside! I think part of the reason I refused to run was because I was not only a stroppy teenager, but I was resentful of the fact my 50 year old mother did it with such ease, not to mention the fact that running when you have breasts the size of watermelons strapped to your chest was far from easy! At my heaviest weight they went up to a 34G, which meant each one was practically the size of my head! So, on the rare occasion I set of for a run I was completely tied in, not only by my normal underwired granny bra, but three industrial sports bras on top - I literally couldn't breathe! Luckily, as my weight has dropped, so has my chest size and I am now a very normal DD and can run in just one sports bra - RESULT! Anyway, I can't imagine you want to read about the fluctuation of my chest size for the entirety of this blog post, so on with the point.

I applied for the 2018 marathon through the ballot and unsurprisingly did not get a place, which in hindsight I am very grateful for. I think physically, I could have run it as I was incredibly fit last year, but mentally, there is absolutely no possible way I would have finished it! My mental heath had come on hugely, but I wasn't quite ready to dangle it over a cliff edge and see if I was going to sink or swim... I would have drowned! I think one reason I always wanted to do the London Marathon was to prove something to my mother, as I always slightly felt as though I was in competition with her. Having a mother who is slimmer, fitter (in the cardiovascular sense), prettier, and all round more amazing, wasn't always great for my self esteem growing up (especially when the guys I fancied turned round and said they fancied my mum more than me!) We are so similar in so many ways which meant our relationship hasn't always been the easiest, but I soon realised, the happier I became in myself, and the more I accepted the positive things I had to offer, the less I resented her! So now I am so completely grateful that she is my beautiful mummy and I like to show her off to the world! We are incredibly close and I am no longer doing this marathon to prove anything to her, and I know she will be there supporting me regardless of it taking me two hours (unlikely, but I could be the next Mo Farah) or ten hours to complete, but... I'm still going to beat her Marathon time! HA!

This year, I decided the Ballot was not the way forward, so I applied directly through two charities that I was really passionate about running for, The Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation (JDRF) and MIND. Both of these charities are very important to me in two very different ways, one has affected me personally, while the other has affected my younger brother Orlando. Running for MIND has been something I have always wanted to do, I felt it would be a milestone which marked such a drastic change in my life and being able to (hopefully) finish the London Marathon having overcome years of mental health issues, would be completely amazing and something that only a few years ago would not have seemed possible. I sadly did not get a place with MIND, however, in the future I will definitely raise money for them and other mental health charities in events like fun 10K runs, or half marathons - I think I might stick to just one marathon, but who knows, maybe I'll change my mind after this year!

So I was offered a place with JDRF! Not many people know a great deal about Type 1 Diabetes, myself included before Lando was diagnosed. Type 1 Diabetes, is a chronic autoimmune condition where the pancreas produces little or no insulin. The JDRF charity has a goal of creating a world without this condition through creating research programmes to cure, treat or prevent T1D. This condition has affected my family significantly, particularly my parents but of course, especially Lando. I can't say I have been the most supportive sister along the way, as I have been known not to cope very well at times when all the attention is on my other siblings for too long! So, I felt it was my turn to give something back to them, and being able to do this not just for myself, but for my whole family too, is more rewarding than anything else I could possibly do! - Lets just hope I complete it! I did actually try to persuade Lando (now 18) to run the bloody thing with me, afterall - I'm doing it for him! He was having none of it, similar to my reaction when Ben the personal trainer suggested weight lifting to me for the first time, Lando's response was, 'FUCK NO, NO WAY, ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT'. So sadly, I will be dragging myself round the 26.2 mile course by myself (not including the other 40,000 people running it too!)

I am fully capable physically, I know that, I am 22 years old, ridiculously fit and strong, and have a huge amount of determination and self discipline, so this whole thing should be easy, or at least you'd hope so! Each weekend in my training plan, I have a long run to complete, I increase the distance every week by only one or two miles, and each week I finish it with ease and spend the rest of my weekend on such a high, feeling so proud of myself! So why, for some stupid reason, does my anxiety try to get the better of me week in week out. The night before my long runs my mind is all over the place, I can't sleep, I crave and eat shitty food, I feel so panicked and try and come up with every possible excuse not to run the following day, yet the minute my feet start moving, I'm fine, happy even! Having spoken to other runners and athletes, apparently this pre-run anxiety thing is totally normal, and something that gets easier over time - I mean I didn't see anyone else in tears at the start line of the Royal Parks Half Marathon in October, so maybe they are right!

During the years I had struggled with my mental health issues, I was incredibly lucky (to an extent) that anxiety never played a huge part in it, only a very small one, but for some reason unbeknown to me, the marathon appeared to be bringing it out in full force. I knew from my past experiences that the only time my anxiety was triggered, was when I was really nervous about something. About a month into my proper training around the end of January, I had a little bit of a breakdown. Even the prospect of the marathon was making my anxiety go through the roof. I would sit at work reading articles, blogs, stories, advice columns - anything vaguely related to the marathon, and work myself up into a complete state of panic, except for when I was actually running - during this time, all my anxiety and worries seem to disappear. I went home back to Sussex for the week, after my little panic attack at work. I knew I needed to be back with family, disconnect myself from busy London and take a break from the training. Being at home was the perfect thing for me to do, I was able to run freely without any stress or pressure, and I even ran with Mummy! (I get bored now because she runs too slowly and wants to talk the whole time - annoying!) I'm joking it was perfect. I even ran a half marathon up the south downs which took me bloody hours, but my god I felt amazing afterwards! I came back to London with a totally fresh mindset, a brand new training plan printed out that I plastered across an entire wall of my bedroom (not that I'm likely to forget about the bloody thing anytime soon), a fresh mindset and a whole lot of determination.

When I first started running properly, and by properly I mean more than once a fortnight, I found it ridiculously hard. Even though I was incredibly fit, my body was only use to short high intensity workouts or lifting very heavy objects - endurance sports were not my forte! I do not have the attention span to do anything for a hours at a time, let alone run! I found it MIND NUMBINGLY BORING, as I am sure most normal people do too. But, as it turns out I am clearly not that normal, as very quickly I actually started to enjoy myself... WHAT!...CRAZY! It's true, the more I ran the more I weirdly started to enjoy myself. When I am running now I don't even have to think about my breathing, it has become so second nature i'm almost as calm as would be lying in bed reading a book, I can talk (no surprise there), and sometimes even sing! Running is a mental game not a physical one, yes occasionally I get knee pains, shoulder pains, ankle pains, toe pains or back pains - not a drama queen at all! but none of those pains are anything in comparison to the mental pain! I swear it's like this little idiot on one side of my head, telling me to stop and go lie down with a tub of ice cream because my body aches, and the other slightly nicer idiot on the other side of my head telling me to keep going - luckily, the nicer idiot usually wins, but it isn't always like that. I have had to really persevere and train my brain into not giving up, and the stronger and fitter I seem to get physically, the stronger I seem to get mentally!

Since my little breakdown, my training has gone from strength to strength, once I had finally got it in my head that I could run and was actually pretty good at it! I am running between four and five days a week at the moment, with two strength sessions and two rest days thrown in as well, and I actually look forward to my runs now - sometimes even the really long ones! This is mainly down the @twicethehealth run club which I have joined for my long runs each weekend. It has made me so incredibly happy I can’t even tell you! Both Emily and Hannah from TTH are completely inspiring and the most incredible runners and just having a group of like minded people to chat to and train with has helped me hugely! So massive thank you to them! I know it sounds totally ridiculous but something that has also really helped, is my @tabstraining Instagram account. Having a platform on social media which tracks every aspect of my training, from gym days, to running, to the food I am eating, means I really don't have an excuse not to do it! I mean it's not like i've got millions of followers tracking my progress, but it's out there for the world to see and that means I can't and won't give up!

So, with training well under way and only 34 days left until the big day, I think it's safe to say, I AM COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY FUCKING TERRIFIED! - but I'll get there.

Lots of Love x