ASKING FOR HELP...

Hello old friends, it really has been a while hasn't it... missed me?

It really was a rather manic few months with the lead up to Christmas, long working hours, even longer partying hours, and copious amounts of champagne consumed. Needless to say, dry January (or damp) could not have come at a better time.

As part of my new years resolution, not that I really believe in the concept itself, I have set one of my goals to keep pursuing my blog writing and really trying to fit in time to write around my busy schedule! So luckily for you, if all goes to plan you will have me and my wild stories for another twelve months!

As it does every year, January comes round and I feel a bit lost... despite it being my birth month, I frequently find myself constantly playing catch up, I get stuck in a rut and can't seem to get back into my routine. This year, it appears to be particularly bad. I'm not much of a daily drinker these days, purely because endless drinking for me results in very bad mental health. Late drunken nights out lead to lazy mornings, lazy mornings lead to feeling lethargic and binge eating, binge eating leads to bulimia and self hatred which leads to anxiety and depression... such fun being me isn't it!

This domino effect had in some way happened to me in the last six weeks, I got slightly over excited and into the Christmas spirit as soon as we got into the middle of November, every evening saying 'fuck it, it's Christmas' as I opened another bottle of fizz! By the time we made it to Christmas I was on my last legs, crawling out out the office, on the final Friday before the much needed long break. I then put on a smiley show over the whole of Christmas, pretending I didn't have alcohol coming out my pores, that I didn't feel self conscious about the weight I had gained over the previous few weeks and suppressing the fact my chest felt as though a bomb was about to explode inside it from too many cigarettes.

Needless to say, this mean't I had slightly ruined my own Christmas. Don't get me wrong I still had a wonderful time with my incredible family who I adore, but I felt a lump in the back of my throat for the entire break. Not just because I had the most hideous chest infection, but because I felt so emotionally unstable, more so than I had in a while and it made me feel like I could burst into tears at any point. I could feel myself falling further and further into this rut and it scared me.

I'm not sure why this happens to me every January because for almost everyone else in the world, January is like a reset button, where everyone starts with the 'new year, new me' crap and are trying to entertain their 'living my best life vibes'!... me not so much. It's like my body shuts down. I have a slight joke with my mother where I say I have a 'fat Jan' every year. It's actually quite funny looking back at photos, because you can always tell what month it is depending on my size.

The last six weeks have been incredibly difficult for me, I'm not sure why but my good mood and motivation just would not stick. I found myself slipping back further than I have done in years. What scared me the most was how easy I found it to lie to everyone's face and put on a show. I would walk into work and people would say, 'how was your weekend?', my response...'great thank you', when in reality, what I needed to say was 'I spent too much time alone, I feel like their are voices in my head, I feel physically sick with anxiety and I spent Saturday night in tears over the bathroom loo trying to throw up the contents of my binge and hour earlier'... maybe TMI for the work place but nevertheless, I was lying to my friends and family too. I felt like I was on the verge of exploding in every social or work scenario, unable to talk about how I was feeling, unable to concentrate on any task or conversation because of the chatter that was going on inside my head and unable to make any of it stop.

I recently realised how bad I am at actually speaking out loud about how I am feeling to my friends. I will openly say, 'you know what, I don't feel great, my head is all over the place', but I will never elaborate. I'm too stubborn, I won't let anyone in and I want to fight my battles by myself... this I have also realised it stupid because when I do occasionally let someone in, even just talking about it makes a world of difference. I think my biggest fear is putting my issues onto other friends and feeling like a burden to them, it's easier just to say nothing but the more I closed off from everyone around me, the harder it became to start talking about it.

We are now six weeks into the year and i'm trying, really trying not to let this ridiculous mental illness and eating disorder completely control me. I feel like I am stupid and weak because after so many years I still haven't managed to kick some of my habits and no matter how hard I try they always find a way to slip back in occasionally, but then I remember they are a part of me and as long as I can control them and push my way back to normality then everything will be fine.

I think there is also such a stigma still with mental illness, some people assume in order to have mental health problems that you have to be completely non-functioning, of course this is true in some cases which is incredibly sad, but in reality, it's deeper than the surface you can see. It's functioning humans still continuing with their every day tasks and plans and doing it mostly with a smile on their face, whilst feeling like a different person completely on the inside. It's hard to know what other people are dealing with, so tread lightly and with kindness because quite often, the loudest person in the room is the one struggling the most.

After just one therapy session and a long weekend at home with my family, talking and working through all my issues, long detailed discussions of what makes me so stressed and anxious and why it makes me feel this way, and react the way I do, I am gradually climbing back up the mountain I recently fell down and planning to continue until I feel back to my usual self. I know it's not much and I have a long way to go, not to mention a few more therapy sessions, but it is a start and that in itself I see as a win for me.

What I've learnt most from the last six weeks is how much of a difference asking for help makes. Whether it was telling a drunk friend on a night out just to get the ball rolling, or having that first therapy session. My issues were and are by no means sorted but I felt a huge weight had been taken off my shoulders. It was no longer a secret I was keeping that was eating me alive, it was open to my friends and family and suddenly became a conversation. Just like that things started to get better, options became available and the a light at the end of the tunnel became visible.

So... it is ok not to feel absolutely fabulous going into the new year... it is also ok not to feel fabulous all year round... but talk to someone, get some help, be selfish and look after yourself!... anyway, thats me done, off I go back to therapy now! such fun!

Lots of love x

Print by Charlie Mackesy

charliemackesy.com