EATING DISORDERS & THE EASTER BUNNY

So first of all I would like to congratulate myself for thinking of something to write about that has nothing to do with Coronavirus or quarantine! GO ME! As we approached the Easter weekend I started to think about how people with eating disorders, myself included would be coping surrounded by all that delicious CHOCOLATE!

As most of my friends know this year for my lent I gave up refined sugar... we're talking sweets, chocolate, crisps, cakes, ice-cream, biscuits the lot! And with the exception of a drunken tub of ice-cream (which apparently does not count) I successfully completed lent in all its glory! I would say 40 days and 40 nights but I recently found out lent actually lasts 46 days - something to do with Sundays and bank holidays... who knew?! Every year I like to give something up which is usually something to do with food, as well as take something up or learn a new skill. This year I took up yoga which I'm now completely obsessed with and have incorporated into my daily routine. Not to brag but with a combination of no sugar and yoga every day, I feel like a totally different person to who I was at the start of lent. I have more energy, less mood swings, I'm happier in my own body and I've even lost a couple of pounds. RESULT!

So what now? Am I supposed to just go back to eating chocolate or ice-cream (my two favourite things in the world) every day and feeling lethargic and gross? Most people would probably say yes to that and carry on with their lives but I've never been like most people. I'm an all or nothing kind of girl as we all know so moderation is never something I've been very good at. I find it so much easier completely cutting something out my life than attempting moderation. If I'm being totally honest I'm actually quite terrified at the prospect of lent having ended and I'm starting to think if this 'no refined sugar thing' is something I want to do forever, or at least for the forceable future.

For most people sugar and sweet treats are just a lovely luxury, for me it's the feeling of failure, the overindulgence, regret and binges. I have too many negative associations with these foods that remind me of the many nights I've spent sitting in tears on the bathroom floor having consumed ten thousand calories and trying to throw it all back up again. I have a huge amount of self control in a lot of aspects of my life but I have this terrifying ability to become so incredibly out of control when it comes to sugar. It's like a drug, once I start I physically can't stop. Sitting eating my way through tubs of ice cream, bags of chocolate buttons and packets of biscuits in tears wanting to stop but being completely unable to.

Easter is always a difficult time for me, watching my brothers demolish their Easter eggs at breakfast without a care in a world, not a second thought about the calories they've just consumed and feeling happy they have found balance without even trying to. In all honesty I'm scared to start eating sugar again incase I slip back into my old habits. Most of you are probably completely mind-boggled that I put so much thought into what should be an enjoyable happy weekend full of Easter eggs and overindulgence, but that's the life of a girl living with an eating disorder.

I know having a slice of cake or eating five Malteaster bunnies is not going to kill me and it will make absolutely zero difference to me physically, but it's my mental attitude that it will affect. When you live with an eating disorder whether it's anorexia, bulimia or binge-eating it's not as simple as just enjoying a Lindt bunny or a family bag of Mini Eggs. It's knowing exactly how many calories you have just consumed and feeling a constant wave of consuming guilt and sickness over that thought. It will not leave your brain for days, you will go over and over it in your head and try and restrict the calories you consume in other meals to try and balance it out. It suffocates your every thought so much so that you question whether it was even worth it. For me it became something that was not worth the pain I felt afterwards.

I realised it was simple. In order to stop the overwhelming guilt, pain and anxiety and get rid of feeling like a black cloud loomed over me, all I had to do was cut out any possibility or trigger, and that trigger for me was sugar. The chocolate, ice cream and biscuits were not worth feeling the way I did so it was easy.

I feel incredibly strong at the moment. My brain no longer controls me, I control my brain.

I feel confident I can enjoy my Easter Bank Holiday with my family, with the Easter egg hunt, with the copious amount of chocolate and celebratory rosé in the sunshine and go back to my controlled zero sugar life after it's all over. This doesn't mean I'm going to binge my way through the weekend to get in as much chocolate as possible before the weekend is over like I previously would have, but enjoy it as a special treat and be happy in doing so.

Some people would say having absolutely no refined sugar in my life is controlling in itself and you would be correct. I need control in my life, I need rules, routine, order and what I eat is one thing I can control. You may think it's unrealistic and that's probably true also, I'm not saying I will never ever eat it again but when the positives of giving something up hugely outweigh the negatives it seems like a no-brainer. Think about it, if this was a person we were talking about who had a negative effect on your mental health, would you keep them in your life? No! And it's exactly the same relationship I have with sugar. As humans we are not supposed to eat refined sugar as it is, I'm not missing any nutrients from cutting it out my life, if anything it's a positive and I'm excited to see more changes both in mind and body once I carry on.

I appreciate this post potentially may feel mildly depressing when this weekend is supposed to be a happy occasion, I also in no way want to make anyone feel like they shouldn't be eating chocolate or sugar either. What works for me will not necessarily work for you, and it definitely does not mean you should be following in my footsteps either. I'm just doing what's best for me and my body.

So to all my wonderful friends and readers, have a gorgeous Easter, enjoy over-indulging in delicious chocolate, get competitive during the Easter egg hunt (I always win!), eat a giant Lindt bunny for breakfast and do all of it without a single feeling of guilt or negativity. To those struggling like me during this time, it's ok. Enjoy being able to relax and treat yourself, do it in moderation, don't overindulge or let your negative thoughts consume and ruin your weekend, after all, this weekend is meant to be a celebration!

Happy Easter Everyone and don't forget your suncream!

Lots of Love x

Me - Easter Sunday 2019