FRIENDSHIPS

Friendship is a mutual appreciation between two or more people, and something that everyone in the world will experience at some point in their life, and hopefully throughout. I have learnt more about friendships during my 22 years on this planet than almost any other topic, so I thought I would share some of my expert knowledge with you.

When we are children we pick up and chuck friends at the drop of a hat, they are disposable, we have the ability to declare someone our 'BFF' (best friend forever) within about 30 seconds of meeting, only to decide we hate them an hour later (if you don't believe me just watch an episode of 'the secret life of four year olds'), it's bloody brilliant! I think children have incredible instincts and are able to gauge someone's personality correctly within seconds, that said, children are also very naive and forgive people far too easily, either that or I just hold too many grudges!

I have always been incredibly noisy, known by everyone, and have always managed to make a name for myself. I don't mean I was super 'cool' and 'popular', as that was definitely not always the case, but I was never at a loss of friends. I think being so bloody loud meant people knew who I was, be it teachers, friends, boys, children in other years, parents, pretty much everyone basically - and I liked that. I like the attention and people talking about me. I was Tabby Bell, the incredible singer; the badly behaved one; the chubby one; the slutty one; the aggressive one; the loud one; you name it, i've been it. Obviously these have all been through various point in my life, some I am proud of, and some not so much, but either way I created a very bold identity from a young age.

I always craved attention growing up, whether that meant throwing a tantrum when my parents were not paying enough attention to me, or dating a boy in upper sixth, when I was in year 10, just to make a name for myself... what a stupid idea, but I guess it worked, everyone was talking about it! - this came to bite me in the ass when the teacher covering my science lesson turned out to be HIS DAD! and of course... he knew who I was, and all about my snogging antics at the far end of the hockey pitch! MORTIFYING!!! Anyway, being so bloody loud and attention seeking, meant not only did I have a lot of amazing friends, but I also had a lot of enemies and a lot of people who COULD NOT STAND ME!

My general persona as a teenager was bolshy, noisy, and attention seeking which meant everyone thought I was this incredibly confident happy person. This of course was not the case. Yes generally I was smiley and happy, but underneath I had a huge amount of problems, as the entire world know about, now i've decided to write a bloody blog about it! But, at the time this was something very few people knew about, not even my close friends knew I was struggling during my depression/eating disorder/self harm phases. Why would they have known? I didn't tell them, and I never showed any signs of weakness. Even in parents meetings, the teachers would say 'she is a wonderful character, but can be a bit distracting for the other children at times', which made total sense, until I would go home for the weekend and cry. I guess that's the problem with extroverts though - we think showing pain is a sign of weakness (it's bloody not), and it took me years to realise this and open up about it.

When you go through something, be it a physical illness, mental illness, loss or trauma, it becomes so clear who your real friends are. The friends who keep your secrets, notice when you're slightly quieter than usual, notice a change in behaviour or your physical appearance, and stay with you through all your ups and downs - they are the ones you want to stick around. They are the ones that will get you through the hard times and out of that thick cloud of smoke you're wading through. In simple terms, those friends who become your family, who you simply cannot live without - don't let go of them!

I think I have been incredibly fortunate with my friends, most people would be lucky to have just one person who plays the role of best friend, but I can honestly say I have a whole group, or groups. They are separate, some don't know each other, some don't get along with each other, and they come from all different parts of my life, but I know they would all be by my side, supporting me, regardless of whether I had made yet another terrible decision to kiss the boy with a girlfriend, decided to run a marathon, or needed help burying a body (never happened). Sharing these experiences, some big, some small, separate the weak from the strong, and what I have learnt most in recent years, is that it is OK to get rid of them if they don't make the cut.

This may sound harsh and very extreme but if a friend puts you down, and does not make you feel like the ABSOLUTE ROCKSTAR that you are, then fuck em!

Ok, so obviously chucking your friend really is the last resort, when there is no other alternative, but what I have found, is there usually is. I was finding myself constantly being let down by certain friends who I felt did not live up to my expectations, or manage the duties that being a best friend entails. I have had countless conversations with my very wonderful, very wise mother, who explained to me that not all friends can fulfill every single role or need in your life. So, to protect myself and stop myself from getting hurt, I started to categorise.

You're probably thinking - what the fuck is she on about?! - but bear with me!

I realised one friend could not be my everyman (or woman) and fill the role of my fitness friend, my let's get drunk and dance friend, my let's cry and eat ice cream friend, my let's get fucked and take drugs friend, my let's go out and kiss someone friend, my let's stay in and have a movie night friend, my honestly tell me if you like this dress friend, my omg let me bitch for an hour about my other friends friend, or my let's talk about my problems and deepest darkest secrets friend. That is A LOT of responsibility for one person to take on, especially when the person in question is ME! I mean, I'm hardly a walk in the park! but my point is, once I realised that these incredible friends of mine were not letting me down, but each providing me with a different need, it made so much sense. It keeps the friendship alive and kicking, it brightens my week, as each week I need a different friend for a different reason. So, instead of feeling like they are the worst friend at something, start to see them as the best friend who do that one specific thing for you better than any other friend could possibly do!

I cannot put into words how grateful I am for the huge group of friends in my life, they are amazing and mean as much to me as my family, my vocal chords, or my limbs. They are a part of me and I would not be the person I am today without every single one of them (even the ones I chucked many years ago). But, there are three or four that are set apart from every single other friend I have and will ever have. Who for some reason just get me, and they really do manage to fill pretty much every single role I have ever thrown at them or needed from them - maybe with the exception of my 'fitness friend', I am yet to find someone as obsessed with weights, running and crossfit as I am, or willing to get up at 5AM in order to do this! Any takers?! Job offer open - send me a dm!

22 years is not a very long time, and I am sure as I grow up I will only get wiser (one can only hope), but my one piece of advice for you, the most important piece of advice I can ever give, is to listen to your mother! no human-being in the world will ever have such impeccable judgement on friendships as she, so trust her with your life! My mother has ALWAYS been right when it comes to my friends, even if I didn't think it at the time...

Anyway, to my best best friends, and my best friends, and my great friends, you know who you are - thank you. I love you and I can only hope I have been as a good a friend to you as you have all been to me.

Lots of Love x