L-O-V-E

L-O-V-E, L is for the way you look at me, O is for the only one I... BLAH BLAH BLAH! You get the point. As delightful as this song is, sadly I think Nat King Cole's version is slightly different to my own, which goes a little more like this... L is for the lack of men in my life, O is for the occasional heartbreak song, V is very very fucking depressing, E is even more than every time I lose a guy and LOVE was not made for me at all! Tah dah - I hope you like my rendition!

N.B. Any names mentioned in this post have been changed!... mainly to protect their dignity, or mine for that matter! (actually scrap that... I lost mine a while ago!)

Anyway, that was slightly over dramatic, my love life is not THAT appalling, at least I hope not... I have never had a simple romantic life, always falling head of heels for the boy with a girlfriend, or being unrequitedly in love with someone who NEVER wanted me back. It all sounds rather depressing really which for years it actually was. I had such low self esteem and found myself constantly seeking approval of my attractiveness or desirability, and the only thing that gave me that was by sleeping around. Instead of waiting, and making them work for me I thought so little of myself, I could not comprehend why anyone would even consider waiting for me, so I would give them what they wanted almost immediately, which only naturally meant they left me...

It all started when I was far too young and that set the tone throughout my entire schooling career, always wanting attention from boys, and usually getting it. It meant I became easy, I was the easy quick fix. Boys knew if they wanted some action all they had to do was pay me the smallest bit of attention and I didn't have the power to say no. It became a vicious cycle and at the time I saw it as a positive. I thought, 'I must be attractive if all these boys want to kiss me', in actual fact, what it really meant, was I was only desired for my very large breasts, or perky bottom! and I was never the one they wanted to be with for more than a night of passionate sex... which normally was not passionate, more awkward, uncomfortable, very unsatisfying and generally left me with a huge amount of self hatred and regret.

As I was always slightly larger than my friends, I put the fact no boy ever wanted to be with me long term down to that, I assumed they thought it would be far too embarrassing for them to be dating the a 'fat' girl. I know that sounds ridiculous but that's what it felt like to me and i'm still unsure as to whether it is true or not. My life felt, and feels like an endless stream of unrequited love stories.

What I could not get my head around was why someone did not want to be with me. I don't mean that in a wanky 'I'm amazing, who wouldn't want to be with me' kind of way, but it felt like there was always an excuse or reason why someone wouldn't want to be with me... there was always something missing. Take Bill for example, we were best friends, we spent most hours of the day together, we were romantically involved with one another, yet Bill would never commit. I used to think, Why? What's missing? Why are we not together when we are CLEARLY perfect for each other? but I was just not enough for him to put a label on it. So it became an endless cycle of 'lets just be friends', to 'I want to be with you', to, 'let's just casually sleep together', it was such a mindfuck. When Bill would say I think we should go back to being friends, I would lie and say I had no feelings and agreed. I did this to protect my little broken heart because having him in my life as just a friend meant more to me than losing him completely. This is always a recipe for disaster, a bit like being friends with benefits, because someone always gets hurt. I found it too hard being around him, being totally besotted by him and knowing he didn't feel the same way. So eventually I would break, I would declare my 'love' and we would not talk for another few weeks... and so it went on in that cycle for far far too long. I think looking back on this now I would have realised you can't make someone fall in love with you. You can list every reason on the planet why you think you should be together, but if they don't feel the exact same way then there's nothing you can do, and explaining it to them is definitely not going to help.

I think if I talk about any of my antics in detail or numbers, it might give a few of my family members reading this a heart attack so I'm going to keep it as PG as possible... but what I will say is that sleeping around as a way to fill a void inside you is never ever going to end well. I went through a phase for a few years where I did not have a care in the world, it was my sole mission on a night out to find a boy and bring him home. Now don't get me wrong I'm all for women shagging who they want and all that, but not if it is done in a way I was doing it. It was so unhealthy, it made me feel awful but most of all I lost respect for myself, and actually a lot of people lost respect for me too. It was no longer a shock to my friends if I took someone home, it was more of a given and an anomaly if I went home alone. I became the flake who would leave my friends in the club or bar to go home with a guy, and I became the joke of the friendship group who would be taken the piss out of for all my antics. It was always 'ah typical tabs', or 'I'd expect nothing less', or 'christ, what number are you on now?!' I even had a nickname which matched my name to what my number was on... which I will not repeat. Honestly, it made me really sad, I hate that part of my life, I hate talking about it, I hate the fact I was young, naive, stupid and didn't have enough love for myself to say no. I know I should look at it as the good days, and great memories, I was young and fun and reckless, but I think it will always be something I regret and hide and would take back in a heartbeat if I could.

I came to the conclusion in recent years that 'waiting' is actually a pile of rubbish, it doesn't matter whether you shag someone on the first date or the fifth date, if they don't want you, they don't want you and that's that. I started dating a new boy, let's call him Bob. Bob and I met on a dating app... now don't even get me started on dating apps, I hate them! I'm a hopeless romantic and want nothing more than to meet the man of my dreams on a summers evening in the park or some crap like that, but that's very unlikely so I am forced (only by myself) to still use the apps.

Anyway, so Bob and I went on a date. Our first date together was great, we went to a lovely local pub near where we both lived. It was actually rather romantic, kissing at the end of the date against his old shabby Land Rover under the stars, and made me feel like I was in a rather unrealistic romance movie! ha! The date clearly went well, so well, that I actually saw him the next night too and we had a sleepover... but I didn't sleep with him! I was pretty proud of myself I must say, I was intrigued as to what this could turn into and I didn't want to fuck it up. I thought, this guy is kind, he's funny, he lives near me at home, he drives a Land Rover (lol don't judge me, i'm a raging snob!), I like the way he dresses, he's big and manly and... I think I fancy him...

So we continued with our attempted love story and he drove to visit me at uni and came to stay with me.. HOW CUTE?! It actually was, we went for drinks, we watched a movie, we talked about everything, he even took me for brunch and went for a walk the following morning... which yes, means, he stayed the night, and we had an adult sleepover. I walked him out to his car the next day and kissed him goodbye. I was still unsure as to whether I was really attracted to him, and he had a few rather dreadful traits and habits I didn't like, but there was something keeping me interested. So I had waited until date number three! I'm pretty sure that's roughly how long you're meant to wait and I was rather proud of myself! I was trying to make a change in myself, and see if waiting made me feel better, but also if it would make the guy stick around... but sure enough, after this third date, he got what he wanted, and he disappeared. Radio silence. I don't know if it was something I did, whether he was only looking for a bit of fun (I mean you can't expect flowers and roses and long term relationships if you met on bloody bumble can you?) or whether he was just a bit of an ass...

I then did the WORST possible thing a girl can do! I went back to him, months had past, he'd run out of other side girls to sleep with and contacted me. My self esteem at this point was so ridiculously low, I just wanted attention and affection from anyone, so I gave it to him. I remember seeing him, he had this crazy ability to make me catch my breath and give me butterflies in my tummy just by holding my hand, or the look he'd give me when he smiled, I think I was completely smitten by him, I mean I must have been if I'm writing about him... but I still lied about how I felt when he said 'this is just sex you know, I don't want a relationship'. I just went along with what he wanted so I could continue being with him. I wanted to believe I could change his mind, but obviously that never happened. It all ended in floods of tears a few months later and that was it, I walked away, I told him I wanted more and this would be the last time I would see him and it was.

As it turns out I don't think he was an ass, I don't think he treated me with enough respect while we knew each other because to him I was just another girl he met on a dating app, until he realised how hurt I was, and that I had accidentally fallen a bit harder than I was supposed to for him. It's rather typical that the one time he let his guard down was the last time I ever saw him, but I have him to thank for teaching me some valuable life lessons.

So after this all fell apart I decided it was time to change. I no longer wanted to be known for being a slut, or easy, or any other names I had ever been called in the past. One of my best friends used it against me in an argument once, and although I have completely forgiven her for voicing my biggest insecurity in life and firing it at me as an insult, I will never forget it. At the time it was the most hurtful, painful thing anyone could have said to me, but it reminds me who I want to be, who I can be, who I am becoming, and not who I was.

I think it takes a very short amount of time to change as a person, but it takes years of being that person for other people around you to realise the change. I'm not there yet, but I'm happy, and I'm getting there.

I don't believe the saying, 'when you least expect it, someone will come along', but I do believe the saying 'no one can love you, until you love yourself'. So that's what I'm doing now. Learning to love myself. Now I'm not saying I've completely re-virginised because that's just unrealistic, I'm 22 years old... but it just isn't the most important thing in my life at the moment. I actually tried the dating thing again very recently, and although he was great, good looking and very sweet, it made me realise I wasn't ready. I'm not ready for a boyfriend, or to date, or to have someone taking up half the time in my week going for drinks! That doesn't mean I'm not still interested in anyone, I am, but sadly one is a flakey moron who will only bring me down and hurt me, so he's out, and the other is not currently available... so rather than putting my energy on them, and being sad that they don't want me, I am choosing to focus all my energy on the other aspects of my life that I love.

I am at a very selfish point in my life where the only person who I want to focus on and think about is me. Maybe that makes me a bad person but that's what I need to do right now. I've deleted the apps, I don't need approval of a man, especially one I don't know from a bar of soap, and I don't need someone to kiss me in order to make me happy at the moment. Because I'm happy just being me.

I want love, real love, romantic love, kissing in the rain love, black and white movie love, or love that you read about it books, so it's no wonder I feel let down by the one night stands, or the online dates, I'm setting myself up for failure. It's taken a long time for me to get to this place, and I'm still not perfect, but my god it's progress. I know my worth, I know what I need, and I won't settle unless I know it's right for me.

Lots of love x