THE NEW NORMAL

I've been trying to avoid every blog post I write at the moment revolving around Coronavirus and our recent lockdown, but seeing as there is not a huge amount else going on in the world and it's on the forefront of mine and everyone else's mind it seems only natural to write about it. Bare with me for a few weeks and I'm sure I'll think of something else but for now I thought I'd share a few thoughts.

I've been trying to be incredibly positive and optimistic throughout all of this, naively falling under the category of 'the immature youth not thinking this will affect me'. This was me just six weeks ago, a stereotype of what was 'bad' about my generation. I was sitting at work thinking the whole thing was outrageously over dramatised, feeling mildly invincible and even more bored at the on-going conversations and worries of such topic. After a week trialling working from home and the government implementing more and more rules I still felt strong and almost in denial that there was a possibility it would affect not only my day to day life but anyone I knew. My first wake up call - my London gym had to close its doors and move all classes outside! Sounds ridiculous I know that it was my gym that made the first impact on me. I was still living my days pottering around Battersea Park and Fulham, getting my morning coffee, convincing myself my lovely skiing holiday would most definitely not be cancelled and living life pretty much as normal with the only abnormality being trying to do a bloody food shop! I would say this was the definition of ignorant bliss, convinced it wasn't something worth losing sleep over and it certainly wouldn't affect anyone in my bubble.

Fast forward a few weeks and I was no longer living such bliss. As the virus spread its way across London and the UK, I left London to return to Sussex on the gloomiest day we had seen in weeks, I mean talk about a pathetic fallacy! It was all rather surreal as shops were slowly closing, supermarket shelves were virtually empty and commuters were no longer taking the tube and instead walking down the stairs to their new office space. This was the first time it really hit me, that it wasn't just a news article of a story from far far away, but real life. I think part of the reason I was dismissive and flippant to begin with was perhaps an attempt protect myself and prevent an increase in anxiety levels, which is hard enough as it is when on a normal day I'm far from calm. People around me were becoming overwhelmed by the news and it became everyones only topic of conversation. I don't cope with panic very well, clearly shown as the one time I allowed myself to really think about what could possibly happen I had a panic attack and virtually stopped breathing... more on that later. My way may have been wrong but I dealt with it by ignoring the 5 O'clock speeches from Boris and avoiding as much news as possible.

I don't know what was wrong with me, but I literally could not stop crying!

I've never dealt with stress and anxiety particularly well and bottle it up until I explode into floods of tears. This perhaps isn't the greatest way to deal with stress but it seems the only way I know how. To begin with I found the endless amounts of positivity and home fitness videos all over my Instagram actually pretty exhausting... and yes yes I know I am a huge advocate for all of this too! I love to talk about how running clears my head and getting outside and eating well will not only benefit you physically but also mentally, but I have also realised it is ok to have bad days.

Particularly during a time like this you cannot expect people to leap out of bed at 7am, fist pump the air and run 10 miles! There are days I have sat on the floor glued to my newsfeed on Facebook, Instagram or the news and suddenly realised it has been 90 minutes and I'm in a downward spiral that started with a funny meme and ended with watching a man being put on a ventilator in an overcrowded hospital. Although I think it is hugely important to be up to date with the news, government policies and the online world, I also think we need to allow ourselves a break from it all so as not to get too overwhelmed.

We are now nearing the end of the initial three week lockdown and I have finally found some happiness in the new normal. I know I am incredibly lucky with my quarantine situation and it is not something I am taking for granted. Some are not as lucky, whether that is because they are pent up in their London house where there are much stricter rules than those in the middle of bloody nowhere, or people are not so fortunate to be with those they love, but I think this time away from our usual lives will teach us all to be more grateful of what we do have and become more accepting of others around us too.

I have found that the only way I can deal with this is not to think too far ahead as I become hugely overwhelmed and panicked at the prospect of this potentially lasting until July or even longer, and instead taking each day as it comes. This is never going to be easy and small steps each day doing something that makes me happy even if it's only for an hour has made a world of different to my mental health and sanity.

For me one of the hardest things I have found is having to adjust my routine, particularly when it comes to fitness. I am a total control freak, my days are run by a military clock, the same gym, the same commute, the same weekly meal prep, all at exactly the same time each week. I find change really really difficult so it's no surprise I felt like my life was slightly upside for a while. I felt confused and unable to do anything other than run for the first few weeks but I've finally started involving myself in the online workout classes, a lot of youtube yoga tutorials and I'm even getting back into my music and singing. It's easy to get bogged down by everything we are missing, but overthinking it is only going to have a negative affect on us mentally. Whether that's your morning coffee from the local cafe down the road, walking in the park without any doubt or negative thoughts or simply going to the pub with friends, it will all still be there in a couple of months when we get back. So for now my advice is enjoy the current stillness in our lives because I guarantee we will miss it once this is all over. We have endless amounts of time for the next few months to learn or do whatever we want. My goals and happiness may be fitness and writing orientated, but it could be anything from reading a book, learning to paint or attempting to break the world record by completing the entire Grey's Anatomy box set in the shortest time - whatever floats your boat but go and do it!

Before you all think I'm way to optimistic and my 'can do' attitude can fuck off, just because I'm being positive and productive it doesn't mean you have to be, or that I have been every day during this lockdown. Seriously, there are days where I've wanted to stay in bed all day and watch back to back Netflix, but for me I also know that is one thing that really doesn't benefit my mental health. I need human contact, exercise, movement and laughter and staying in bed does not help me in that sense but by all means go ahead and have a duvet week, and do it with zero judgment from me!

I haven't worn real clothes for weeks, living solely in leggings and tracksuits, my hair is a shambles and I look somewhere between a sheep and Hagrid as I've given up straightening my hair for a while! I haven't shaved my legs in a month, I have chipped nail varnish on my toes, I've basically forgotten what shoes are, I'm smoking like a chimney, I'm drinking Diet Coke like it's water (although no change there!) and I've spent more time on the phone than I've ever done in my life! I guess all of the above are technically negatives but fuck it, during this time things should not be seen as positive or negative, but in what keeps you happy! So wear pyjamas all day, don't wear make up or brush your hair and eat pudding for breakfast if that's what you want to do and enjoy all of it whilst doing so and don't give a fuck what anyone else is doing! It's so easy to feel like we are doing nothing whilst everyone and their dog are learning new skills all over Instagram, but remember it's a highlight reel and we each have our own version of happiness and routine and that's all that matters.

I'm not sure how long this lockdown and my 'positive' attitude are going to last for but for now it appears to be working to great effect and I've even managed to convince my brothers to join my yoga classes - result! I'm taking each day as it comes, and of course there will be bad days but for now I'm trying to get to grips with our new normal and hope everyone else is happy and trying to do the same.

Lots of Love x