THERAPY BLOODY THERAPY

At some point in your life you may find yourself a bit lost, wandering blindly down roads, walking in circles, constantly feeling like you're taking a wrong turn. This is totally NORMAL! but, if this is in fact the case, I would strongly suggested going to see a therapist.

For some ABSURD reason, therapy is still a 'taboo' topic even today, but thankfully, very slowly more people are beginning to open up about their issues and admit that actually, they do need help. Many people are even starting to have regular sessions just to keep their lives balanced and their mental health in tact. Therapy has a stigma attached to it which makes people think they have to be seriously fucked up or in the midst of a mental breakdown in order to need it. I am in fact calling BULLSHIT on this, therapy is literally just talking, so people need to get over it! The more people I speak to the more I have found many of my friends and other mutual friends have actually started to use their therapist as more of a life coach. I think this is amazing, having someone there weekly, or even monthly just to check in with, and discuss aspects of your life that you are unable to talk about with family and friends. This is not something to be perceived negatively it should be celebrated, perhaps even made compulsory. I personally think there should be a government law, whereby every individual or family have immediate access to a personal counselor/therapist, but as my brothers will confirm, I 'personally' think a lot of things that are relatively ridiculous, let alone physically impossible... so don't take much of what I say too seriously or literally!

As I have mentioned previously, I am incredibly lucky to have a family who can afford great private health care and medical insurance. It has become more and more clear to me that I am in a small minority of people where this is the case, and that the other 99% of the world go through the NHS without any choice, waiting weeks and sometimes months just to get an initial consultation. That is not to say I don't use the public health system, because for all my many minor ailments I go to a normal NHS GP... all the bloody time! I am definitely one of those patients who self diagnose themselves using google and just assume they are dying, if not already dead! Anyway, my point is, I have the option, which means, when I have a breakdown and need therapy or care urgently, I can go and see someone pretty much the following day, but if this is not the case there are other ways to seek help in the meantime. My advice would be to surround yourself with an incredible support network of people, friends and family you trust, feel comfortable with, and who are only looking out for your best interests. I find myself relying on a select few people from time to time just to voice any feelings I am having, before it gets too much. They become my personal therapists, and I occasionally become theirs.

The average waiting time on the NHS to see a therapist is up to 18 weeks! 18 WEEKS! I mean... ARE YOU JOKING!? I think it is ridiculous that someone with a mental health issue is not treated with the same urgency as one with a physical illness. I know you can't blame each individual or doctor, as it is down to government funding, but there must be a more efficient way of treating people?! The mental health sector of the NHS is pretty appalling, I was lucky and did not wait as long as 18 weeks, and I went through my private doctor, but that's not to say it still didn't take a bloody long time to find someone who really understood me! This is not me bragging that I went through a private doctor, or me saying the NHS in general are shit and don't do their job, because it's not, I think they are amazing and I admire all they do, and I wish I was bright enough to be a doctor, but sadly I don't even have a proper science GCSE, so that dream disappeared a while ago!... but my main point is, I strongly believe there is HUGE room for improvement, and I wish people would take mental health more seriously.

So anyway, onto my therapy story...

Soon after my family and I realised there was something very wrong with me, I went to my doctor in Chelsea (how lovely). For about 200 pounds a session you'd expect to be treated with the utmost respect and perhaps even be showered with gifts and served fancy sparkling water or San Pellegrino during the appointment too! Well, not quite... It was a struggle to even be offered a tissue! I went to my doctor explaining the emotions I was feeling and how I thought I was depressed and all she could say was 'I think you are ok, just a bit teenage, maybe talk with your parents about it'. Finally, after a lot of persuading, I was referred to a family therapist at a mental health hospital in London. This was possibility one of the most entertaining experiences to date, or as entertaining as therapy can be when you're depressed. I'm not even joking though, just imagine my mother, father and me all in a room together with a middle aged german bloke who proceeded to tell us for 6 weeks that all my issues were the result of my parents shipping me off to boarding school! We actually laughed and it definitely brought us closer. No matter how many times I tried to convince him boarding school was the best thing in the world, or my parents tried to explain that was the 'norm' for all our friends and I had not been forced into it, or neglected and abandoned from the age of 11, he would not drop it. Anyway safe to say, we stopped seeing him after a number of weeks!

He wasn't all bad though, and one of great things he did do, was actually realise I was a little bit more troubled than one had initially thought, and referred me to a separate therapist I could see by myself! I went to see this female therapist who was more interested in asking me generic questions than anything remotely useful or tailored to my personal needs. I think I filled out about nine questionnaires which you can download off the bloody internet. I remember thinking, this is clearly not going to work. I don't necessarily think either of those therapists were bad at their job, I think they just were not suited to me. The most important quality in finding a therapist is finding someone you can connect with and feel comfortable enough to talk in front of, laugh in front of, and cry in front of... because let's be honest some of the conversations I had with my therapist were seriously odd, and never to be repeated. Luckily around this time a family friend put us in contact with a new therapist, so we jumped at the chance... this could have gone one of two ways, and luckily, she turned out to be my saving grace.

I started seeing this new therapist (who shall remain anonymous) every wednesday. She lived in a lovely London townhouse and I instantly warmed to her. She specialised in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and Eating Disorders, so was pretty much my match made in heaven. Over the coming weeks and months, I kept a food diary which I would discuss with her weekly. We worked through exercises in and out of my therapy sessions which gradually made me more mentally stable and happier. These exercise varied hugely, from writing down three positive things I had achieved that day, to attempting not to look in the mirror for a week (try it, it's harder than it sounds). I really struggled with the mirror exercise, but it taught me to stop analysing my flaws and focus on how I felt rather than how I looked. Therapy was rarely easy, I would frequently spend a lot of the session either ranting, shouting (not at her), or in floods of tears. I had so much frustration and endless dark thoughts twisted in my head, which she started to unravel one by one. She paid so much attention to me, helping me work through each problem, from the eating disorders, self harm habits, family problems and friendship issues, but most of all she taught me what it was like to appreciate and love myself for who I was, rather than constantly harming my body and focusing on the negatives.

After a few months of seeing her, I started to find my place in the world again, I was getting my stride back. My relationship with my family was improving each day, my love for the gym was ever growing, and I was finally starting to be happy again. I spent the year following this being incredibly selfish. I knew the most important thing for me was to stay on track, and focus on my eating, my fitness and mental health. I was at music college at the time which was dreadful, I was only in five hours a week, and was bored out of my brain, but actually, I am incredibly grateful for all that time in my week which had opened up and enabled me to focus on myself. I cut out friends who I did not want to see at the time, and did not make me feel good about myself, I turned down multiple invitations to the pub in order to do a boxing class, and I focused on rebuilding relationships with my family, and I spent a lot of time at home. Being at home made me feel safe, comfortable and totally unjudged. I really struggled with a few friendships during this year, as some of my friends could not come to terms with this change I was making. Obviously I hadn't spoken about the fact I was in therapy to many people, so it often felt as though they did not understand where all of this was coming from, it felt to me as if they were waiting for me to fail and go back to my old ways... which I never did!

So here we are, three years down the line. I am no longer in therapy and generally I do not need it anymore, but the tools I learnt I will value for the rest of my life. I use them on a daily basis, if ever I get myself into a situation where I need help or feel those old emotions returning, I am able to deal with it openly rather than suppressing it. I was having panic attacks about the marathon early this year, and instead of letting it break me, I took time off work, focused on myself, analyzed exactly what it was that was triggering my anxiety, dealt with it, and came back fighting. This would not have been possible even a year ago, and I will be eternally grateful to my incredible therapist for giving me the tools to tackle any obstacles I face, and helping me out of a very difficult time.

I am by no means normal, I get depressed, I have anxiety, I will always have an eating disorder, even if I have learnt to manage it most of the time, I overthink things most people wouldn't even notice daily, but I am learning. I am the strongest I have ever been, yes I have my days but in general, I am really happy.

If you take one thing from this week's post, let it be this - If you are suffering, speak to someone. Whether it is a friend, a sibling, a parent, or a professional, just talk! Do not let the stigma of mental health and therapy stop you from getting the help you need, and know that it always gets better.

Lots of Love x