TO DRINK OR NOT TO DRINK?!

As you probably know by now, I am an 'all or nothing' kind of girl in every aspect of my life, and Alcohol is no exception. I have never had the ability to have just one or two drinks at a party. I always have to be the first one to down the bottle, the first one to embarrass myself, the first one to be sick, which then usually means, the first one to pass out at an even more embarrassing time of 9.30pm!

I started drinking at a very young age, although this was relatively normal due to the excessive drinking culture we live in. Aged ten at my old au pair's wedding in Slovakia I thought it would be an excellent idea to see how many of my Father's pints of beer I could nick without him noticing, which later resulted in attempting to swallow vodka shots using just my mouth - that didn't go down too well, I smashed the shot glass, gagged, and was nearly sick! (god I was an attention seeking child!). Fast-forward to a slightly more appropriate drinking age (questionable), 13 years old. I had become proficient in the art of downing the ends of other people's drinks at family parties, and ending up head first in a bush, usually with less clothes on than when I arrived - my parents must have been so proud!

When I moved to senior school for Year 9, I appeared normal, as everyone else was also learning how to make an absolute tit out of themselves by drinking too much! Somehow, even though I wasn't the only one making mistakes, it always felt like mine were much bigger, more obvious, more extreme. Maybe that is down to the fact I was far from a wall-flower, being quiet and subtle were not words in my vocabulary, so I naturally made it harder for myself to just slip under the radar, especially when the antics occured at school, you'd never see me managing to get away with it, I was always caught!

There was one particular event that my parents have NEVER let me live down, even eight years later! It was New Years Eve and as a family we had been invited to a huge, extravagant Birthday/New Years party. It was very exciting, predominantly adults with a relatively large number of us 'children' tagging along too! Obviously, as the party was for my parents generation there was an unlimited supply of booze! So as any 15 year old would do, I thought, 'how exciting, lets get hammered and drink as much as humanly possible', and that's exactly what we did. I don't remember a great deal of the night but my parents recall me bouncing off each wall of the room, catapulting myself into one grown man's arms after another, and very inappropriately dancing on each of them! HOW MORTIFYING IS THAT! I also took it upon myself to attempt to pour vodka down a large vodka luge, only to try and run around the kitchen island and catch it in my mouth at the other end. WHAT A FUCKING EMBARRASSMENT I AM! The final point was when my parents lost me in the back of the garden for a rather long time, I'd snuck off with a rather sexy boy, who was luckily my age not my Father's, RESULT! But it seemed a bit of a tell tell when I returned wearing a very ripped, almost non existent pair of tights (don't even ask!?). At this point I was scooped up and thrown in the back of the car and driven home. M-O-R-T-I-F-Y-I-N-G! but at least I had fun!

I die laughing at that story now because I can't help but think what an absolute delinquent I was, well am! There have been many other catastrophically embarrassing events but if I told you them all we would be here for months! They are all as bad as each other and every single one involve me doing something hugely inappropriate and ALWAYS, WITHOUT FAIL, NAKED! My poor brothers have seen me naked more times than any other man ever has. Countless times passed out on the floor of our London flat in a very small pair of knickers, or my brothers favourite, on holiday in Italy when I decided to run out of the hotel room, down the corridor and try and get in the lift wearing quite literally a white lace g-string. They had to carry me kicking and screaming by my ankles and wrists back to the room! Why I was so determined for the whole of italy to see me naked I will never know!

As you can probably tell, some of these stories have caused a huge amount of laughter amongst my family, but I can't help but feel somewhat ashamed of how I behave at times under the influence of alcohol. I'm not sure when but there came a point in my late teens when my drinking became too out of hand. My family always joked I was an alcoholic, which I can honestly say I am not and will never be, but I did become a slight laughing stock. I made a bit or a rep for myself with my friends, my family and even our family friends after a while, and when you become known as this fucking liability who can't handle your drink, people start to view you differently. I know this because the more I change as a person now, the more honest people are with me about how they used to feel about me. Even today, three years into my life being predominantly (but not always) focused around health, wellness and fitness, some of the people who have known me since I was a child still view me as this overweight, boisterous, drunk, moron who will always be a bit of a liability with very little drive and ambition. My family view me in a different light now, even though I still of course have the occasional slip back to the old me, they know, and I know, I am a completely different person.

As I got older and drinking had become a weekly occurrence with my friends, I became significantly worse at keeping up. I was no longer enjoying the feeling of being drunk, I did not have the ability to keep up with them or pace myself enough to last past midnight. Drinking made me sleepy, sick, completely doolally, but most of all it left me filled with the most awful amount of regret and self-hatred every morning, if I hadn't already passed out from being to drunk or ran home without telling a soul where I had gone. For a while, I found my vice, I found something that meant I could keep up with my friends on their level until god knows what time in the morning without falling asleep, and that was drugs. Drugs allowed me to continue on into the night and party until morning without a care in the world even if no one else was taking them. Sometimes I didn't even tell people I was doing them, if we were at an event or just a late pub night and it wasn't a particularly appropriate time or place, I just did it by myself to stay awake and avoid unnecessary judgement! But the best part of it all was it stopped my ridiculous need for physical affection, my desire to be touched and to touch completely evaporated, and this I viewed as a positive!

Realistically though, it was a bit of a lose lose situation really, drinking made me hugely embarrassed, physically sick, and completely mortified. I would regret the fact I had left the party at 10pm to sneak off to someone's car, and wake up lying next to a total random who I didn't even know from a bar of soap. That feeling was one of the worst feelings in the world, knowing I was being talked about as 'that girl' or being known as 'easy' would make me miserable for days after, I would swear to myself I would change, then a few days after and a drink or ten later, it would happen again. Luckily as I have grown up it happens very very infrequently these days. Drugs on the other hand was a whole different ball game, I would wake up, or more likely be lying awake unable to get to sleep, with this huge black cloud of anxiety and panic looming over me! Having no recollection what was said, who I was with or where I had been. The only silver lining I felt was a huge sense of pride that men hadn't played a part in my wild evening! Both are equally as bad in different ways but neither one of them happens in solitude very often, as one usually led to the other.

I never thought I would even contemplate sobriety, but something inside me changed while I was training for The London Marathon this year. I didn't go completely teetotal, but with the exception of about six drinks over the course of four months, I was sober. Not for the reasons most people go sober, but sober nonetheless. There was something so uplifting and freeing for me mentally not waking up and having to spend all day bent over a loo, or riddled with anxiety about the previous night out. Instead I got my kicks from waking up early, running around beautiful parts of London with my run club, going for brunch with my friends and actually enjoying and utilizing every single hour of my weekends. Whilst I was training I cannot even tell you how many people would respond to me not drinking by saying, 'fuck that's so dull, just have one', but I didn't care! How many people can say they've ran a fucking marathon???, I'd take that experience over a drink at the pub anyday! Having the marathon was like my comfort blanket, it gave me an excuse not drink and meant people couldn't really comment even if they tried. It was only once i'd finished the marathon and was slightly nervous about getting back into drinking without an excuse to say no, did it start to affect me. I remember sitting at the pub with a bunch of friends and I was introduced by a friend to someone I had never met. This 'friend' said, 'Hey, this is Tabby, she used to be fucking wild and crazy fun, but now she's dull as fuck because she doesn't drink!'. I was so hurt by this so I took myself off and had a cry and a cigarette outside the pub by myself. I can't decide whether it makes me angry or sad that this is the reaction, and i'm not saying i'm perfect, because i've definitely called someone 'boring' for not drinking at some point in my life, but why do other people think they can have an opinion in what I chose to put in my body?!

Now, this post may come across very dramatic because obviously a lot of what I have done is totally normal, and almost every single one of my friends could tell their own versions of my stories, some of them more outrageous than my own! But the difference for me, is it doesn't make me happy. Infact, it makes me pretty fucking miserable.

I have read a few books about Sobriety to see if it is something I want to consider long term and as a result, I've been cutting out alcohol unless it's a special occasion or event. In this time I have been feeling so much more content with myself, more productive and energised than I have done in years and this week, after a very boozy weekend, I feel dreadful. Even though I now have the ability to switch straight back to 5.45am alarms, gym sessions and work, I do not feel myself at all. My skin has exploded, my tummy feels bloated and sore, my emotions are all over the bloody place and I feel like I could burst into tears at any moment. If it makes me feel so awful, I don't really see a reason to keep doing it. It is quickly becoming more and more common for the 'Generation Z' or Millennials to make an active choice to drink less, or not at all. This younger generation have not only been made aware of the potential effects drinking has, but most importantly, how it can negatively alter and impact their mental health. They are taking control of their own life, health and wellbeing, and although I am slightly on the older end of the Millennials, I couldn't agree with it more.

I have inserted an excerpt of a book I read, that really stood out to me, Catherine Gray described exactly how I have felt at times and how you can become two completely different people just from having a few drinks.

The Unexpected Joy Of Being Sober - Catherine Gray

'Party Girl would have earned that 'knocked naked' t -shirt by living up to its promise, no doubt. She probably would have picked up some sleazy guy in the bar last night. She would have gone back to his house, to feed her skeletal self-esteem the only way she knows how. And she would now be unconscious in a stranger's bed, missing this ethereal sunrise.

I much prefer Sober Girl, who runs at sunrise. Who feels like her heart might burst from the beauty of the neon-streaked sky. And who is never knocked naked by margaritas.'

As someone who has to look after her mental health every single day, drinking or taking drugs is a like throwing vodka on a bonfire. It makes my emotions explode, my anxiety crippling, my depression occasionally resurface, and my eating habits lazy and unhealthy. So that is why I am questioning if it is something I need or want in my life. I make such awful decisions when I drink, decisions that make me behave like a person I do not want to be. I have ruined friendships, I have ended relationships, I have physically and mentally hurt myself, and I have lost respect from not only my friends and family at times, but for myself. I'm not sure what i'm going to do in future, I mean who doesn't love a glass of champagne at Christmas?! but what I do or don't do, drink or don't drink, does not and should not, concern anyone else but myself.

Lots of Love x